Lonliness...

Ups and downs. That's all I can call this.  Sometimes you can go for months having a more positive outlook on things, and then, out of nowhere, comes the pessimistic view....

I can only say that these past few months have been full of those ups and downs.  I keep praying for a miracle. 

I'm not trying to bad mouth people, but I can't help but feel left out because I don't have kids.  When my sister had her baby back in October, I had some family members come through town on the way to see her adorable little boy.  I had been given a heads up that they might be coming through a few days earlier, but was not given a specific day or time.  I assumed I'd be notified.  Well, they came through without letting me know. That would've been fine with me, given that it is a long drive to get to where my sister lives from where they live.  However, come to find out, that they stopped by to see my older sister and her little guy as well, who lives closer to me.  That's when it hit.  The whole point of the trip was to visit with family members who have kids.  Not me.  I wasn't notified so I could go meet up with them at my older sister's home, or maybe go somewhere for lunch or whatnot.  I wasn't told when they were coming through.  All they needed to do was see the kids. Not me. I would've gone out of my way to meet up with them, but at this time the most important people are the ones who have kids.  

Yesterday, my sister who had her baby in October came to visit my older sister. I was not notified.  I would have loved to see my nephews. But it was a playdate for the people who have kids. I don't have them, so I'm not invited.

Church isn't easy either.  I'm not a medical student (we have a ton of them in our ward).  I don't have kids.  So I am not normally apart of the group.  The ward loves students.  They bring in young families.  I feel like I'm just there.  I participate in activities, but notice that I'm not apart of any conversation most of the time.  I'm just there for people to say hi to.

I know these things aren't intentional, but going through this makes me realize that it'd be nice to be considered every so often.  I wouldn't mind going out of my way to do things with people or even see them.  I just want to be included. This whole process makes you already feel alienated, so reaching out to someone who doesn't have kids helps them to feel they aren't forgotten about.

I'm not going to try and make this blog a positive one.  I use it as an outlet to vent. So if you're reading this, I'm sorry if I seem super negative.  Most days I don't let people know what is going on. Maybe it's not healthy, but how else am I going to deal with it.  Talking about it makes me want to cry.  Most people talk about how I should do this, that, or something else.  Hey! You can always try for adoption!  I'm trying to tell myself that's a good option, but can't bring myself to accept it for some reason.  So if you ever see me or know who I am, I normally don't let on that I'm feeling this way, and try to be happy despite what's going on inside.  I just have my moments when I need to let it out, and cry in private.  Where I can allow myself to grieve, wipe away my tears and continue on.  This is my outlet, and it helps.

It isn't fair....

I need to get something off my chest.  Back in April (yes I've been holding onto this stupid little incident for that long), I had a friend post a question asking why is posting a fake pregnancy announcement on April Fool's Day offensive.  Since this hit close to home, I chose to respond.  This led to a long discussion with him as well as a few other people.  

My comment:

It's something you never truly understand unless you go through it. I say that because its something I didn't understand until I've actually had to face it. Most people don't realize that infertility is actually very common. It's a medical issue, some say it's a disease. It's heartbreaking. It's an emotional roller coaster. It messes with your mind. It's a realization that the one thing you've hoped for all your life may never happen, and you go through grieving and mourning. That's why I get upset when people joke about it. It's a very painful, expensive experience to go through, and I know they don't mean to do it to be offensive, but I don't like that it's a joke. You wouldn't say you have cancer on April Fools. No one would think that's funny. Then why is joking about being pregnant when you're not funny? 

Now, I'm not including the whole conversation, as it was quite lengthy, but here is the basics of what was said.

My friend:

People are going to post about fake pregnancies on facebook every April 1st. If this is shocking to you I can’t imagine you understand social media or even humans. If this is upsetting to you, your options are A) try to get everyone on social media to not make any of these jokes, or B) practice your God given right to not use social media that day. Only one of these will likely result in you not being offended every April 1st. 
Occasionally, someone will post about a real pregnancy on the same day. I don’t think, joking or serious, either one of them is doing it to hurt those who have suffered because of child loss or inability to have a baby. I think they are trying to have fun. I see no hatred or animosity in the act. I only see it in the responses. Insensitive? Maybe. I personally think it’s a lame thing to say unless it’s true, but so? 
Maybe instead of trying to eliminate anything that reminds us of our problems it’s better to face them head on. Maybe instead of trying to make an innocent (if immature) joke into something hurtful it would be better to put a smile on your face and give them a laugh they likely need to hear instead of a rebuke that is in reality nothing more than an attack on them and yourself. Attacking them will likely bring both of you anger and resentment. A laugh, even if behind sad eyes will do more to give these people what they want and help them desire to give you whatever it is you want.

My main point is this: you are not upset with them. Yes, even if it's a joke they don't have to make it's not fair to ask them not make it. There are lots of starving people in the world. Doesn't mean you are insensitive if you make jokes about food. I've a brother waiting for me in Heaven that died before he was born. His name is Jacob. I don't understand the pain of not being able to have children, but I understand a little about losing a loved one to a miscarriage. I'm fine with it. It's a part of who I am.

What it shows is this Andrea: it shows that they are going to hurt no matter what. You are obviously hurting about it. Other's happiness, whether fake or real is going to bother you if it's something you really want but can't have just yet. It's okay to feel that way. We all do in some way. For example, it appears you from your facebook page that you and your husband are happily married. Did you know every time you post pictures or post about your wonderful husband that it drives a lot of people crazy? There are people who want to get married but have not been able to find the love that you have. How do those people feel on Valentines day? They hate social media more than almost anyone. But, it's not fair for them to want everyone to else to keep quiet about it because they don't have it and they want it.

Me: 

I get it...I do. Believe me, it does hurt when someone posts a pregnancy announcement. But I'm not mad at them for wanting to share it. I know I'll do the same thing when it happens for me. All I'm saying is that people should be more aware when they make jokes on April Fools. How many "engagement announcements" do you see on that day? You have a valid point, that people are going to get hurt because others have what they don't. I don't expect people to stop posting about their life, there are better jokes out there though. It's not fair to them that I should ask them not to, but honestly, the whole situation isn't fair. It's not fair that they think it's funny, and it's not fair to them that I think they shouldn't post that. It's not fair that there are people who starve and abuse their children, when there are others who would provide an incredible home. You're right, it's not fair. I'm not trying to be unfair. I'm trying to ask for understanding is all. I'm not the only one in the situation who's asked for the same.

Other comments from someone included a talk from Elder David Bednar, about not getting offended.  Another person commented of how his mother died from cancer, and when people make jokes about it, he just lets it go, because of their ignorance (but again, who would post a joke about it on April Fool's Day?).  Basically saying that I should not be offended by what others post on April Fool's Day.

A few days before April Fool's Day, I posted a request, asking people to not post fake pregnancy announcements.  Overall, I got a very positive response.  Many people even asked if they could share my post.  Over the next few days, I even saw other posts and articles about this particular prank shared by people.  In fact, I only saw one "pregnancy announcement," on April 1st, compared to the many I saw the year before.  But I still can't shake the conversation I had on that same day.

You're not being fair.  You should avoid using social media on that day.

Okay, I don't see how by asking others politely to not share a "pregnancy announcement," is being unfair.  Friend, you have a child.  You probably will have more without even a worry.  I'm happy for you.  You are so lucky.  I hope you never have to go through what I am going through. You know what's not fair?

Having to pay thousands of dollars (because insurance doesn't cover infertility) to conceive a child without the intimacy of your husband, in a doctor's office, in front of others, and not in the comfort or your own home.

Hoping that the procedure will work, and that the money you spent won't be wasted.

Fearing that the medicine you will be taking will cause disharmony in your home, your work,  and with your family and friends, because it will make you very hormonal and irrational.

Seeing your husband suffer through the embarrassment of getting tested over and over again to make sure we can conceive. 

Waiting........waiting.....and more waiting.....while everyone else around you is popping out babies right and left, and then complaining about how hard it is.

That's not fair.  It's what my husband and I will be facing in the next few weeks or so, and I'm terrified.  Terrified that it won't work.  Terrified that we won't be able to afford it.  Terrified that I will ruin relationships.  It's not fair.  

It's also not fair that I should avoid social media on the account of a few insensitive people. I'm not asking others to stop posting about their pregnancies, their babies, their lives.  Does it hurt? Yes. Should they still do it? Absolutely.  I don't blame them.  I'm just asking, for that one day, the day where everyone feels the need to trick others, and think it's funny, to say you're "pregnant," to not say it.  

Thank you to all those who listened, and who were sensitive to me and those who are going through similar situations.  I appreciate that you were being fair.  

Pregnancy Complaints

Grrr....


That's how I feel.  You ever get those friends or family members who complain that they are pregnant? I'm not talking about the occasional vent now and then.  I'm talking about those people who complain all the time! 

This kinda relates to my Mother's Day post.  Yes, you're pregnant.  I have heard about the many discomforts of pregnancy.  The sleepless nights, the achy back, pregnancy brain, and how big you feel.  I get that there are times when you want to vent about it.  That's fine.

At least you're pregnant!

That's what I want to scream to the people who all they do is complain about their pregnancy.  That all they want to do is talk about how miserable they are because they're growing another human being, or how their feelings are hurt because someone said something that made them feel bad about their self-image.

At least you're pregnant!!!!!!

Again, a little venting, I get.  I grumble when I don't feel good either. It's okay.  But if you're one of those "Wo is me because I'm pregnant," people, count your blessings.  You are doing something so miraculous and beautiful.  You are creating and bringing another life in this world. You are becoming a mother.  How awesome is that?  I wish I were you.  I want the nausea, swollen feet, exhaustion, and all other symptoms of expecting a baby.  I don't know if I will ever experience that.

At least you're pregnant.

That's something I will remind myself if I ever get the chance....

Ideas Taken

When you plan for a baby, a lot of ideas and thoughts go through your mind. You start planning for a possible future. Then when you realize a baby isn't coming as soon as you had hoped, you start to see others use your ideas. Now just to clarify, I am not mad at any of the people in the following situations. It's just hard. Hard to see others actually seeing your dreams become their reality. So I'm not here to cause any offense. Just merely to vent. I found that the thing that has helped me get through this is reading about other people's experiences, and how they've dealt with it. Maybe by writing about how I feel, someone else in a similar situation may realize that the way they are feeling isn't so out of the ordinary, no matter how irrational it may seem. And believe me....I know that the way I feel at times is not rational. So here are a couple examples to point out how irrational and petty I feel.

 1. Names:  My husband had a teacher growing up, who also happened to be best friends with his dad. This man was like a second father to him. Sadly, this teacher ended up passing away while my husband was serving as a missionary in Virginia for two years. In the many conversations that we've had for naming our hopefully, someday future children, we decided that if a boy ever happened along, that we'd like the name Colin Richard, his teacher's middle name and my father's name. Well, my cousin and his girlfriend had a baby boy a few months ago, and low and behold, they name him Collin Randall, Randall being my uncle's name, and being way too close to our name idea. Now I am not close to my cousin, in fact, I only saw him a couple years ago at a wedding, and before that it was many years since we've seen each other. But it's hard when all your family is connected via facebook and the current Collin's pictures are being posted constantly. No one is to blame for this. My cousin didn't steal the name from me, he and his girlfriend had no idea. I shouldn't worry about so much about what others would think, especially because, well....this is all hypothetical anyway. Who knows if we will even be able to have children, and if we do, if we'll even have a boy?

 2.Baby Shower:  I've told my mom about this idea for a few years now. I thought that when we are pregnant and are planning a baby shower, that I would not reveal the gender of the baby, and have my baby shower themed around revealing the gender. My sister is about to have her first. Although she has told family what the baby is, she isn't telling others until...you guessed it...her baby shower. Now her shower is a little different than what I've planned. It's mainly for friends, where my thoughts were to have both family and friends, and then she will have another shower after the gender is revealed. I don't know if she's heard about the idea from me or my mom, or if it was just something she came up with on her own. She's not the type of person who tries to step on others' toes for her own agenda. I'm not angry at her. Guess I'm just wishing it was me planning a baby shower.

 Yes, they are petty. This is how I feel, and writing about it helps me to vent my frustrations. Thanks for listening and for trying to understand....

Mother's Day....

Lately, life has been frustrating. Normally, I try to stay positive, but there are days when there are just too many reminders as to why I hate the situation I'm in. Today is one of those days.... Let me explain. 

Three years. It's been three years since my husband and I decided that we should start trying for a baby. He had just gotten hired right after graduating with his bachelor's degree, and we both realized we were in a situation where starting a family would be a great next step. Little did we know, our path to parenthood was going to be a long journey. A....long....journey. Yes, we've gone to see doctors. Yes, we have answers and that there is hope, but the steps we are taking are difficult and expensive. We'll get there, it's just taking a long time.

Today will be my fourth Mother's Day since we've decided to have a baby. The first one wasn't a big deal, we had just barely started trying. The thought that went through my mind was, Maybe next year. The second one, same thought and still hopeful Maybe next year. Last year, I know it was starting to hit me more but still, Maybe next year. This year was, We'll see....

This year was hard. I went to church. Heard talks about mothers and how their choice to be one makes them more Christlike. Sure I got the treats, and the well meaning, "Happy Mother's Day," greetings. I know most people think, Oh, just because she doesn't have children doesn't mean she has not been a loving, caring, mother-like figure to those she's taught. I used to think the same thing. I've come to strongly dislike that train of thought. After church I went online to wish my own mother a Happy Mother's Day (and yes, I did call her too). I read through the many messages that recognized moms. Then I came across a post of someone complaining how terrible their Mother's Day ended up being. *Sigh* I understand. Today was supposed to be a special day. You were supposed to enjoy it. I get it. At least you get one. But then later on she wrote another post about how it got worse. As a mother of small children, I can only imagine what kind of issues arose. But still, At least you had one! Even if this particular Mother's Day ended up horribly, at least you have the the chance to get a better one next year, and for years to come. At least you get a Mother's Day! 

I know I'm not being very positive. I know I'm being overly sensitive and am taking more offense to things than I should. Like I said, most days I try to think positively. Today was hard. Tomorrow, will be better, and I'll continue pushing through it. I've read somewhere that it's okay to feel this way. I'm not using it as a reason to be pessimistic. I'll continue to try and hope, but there are those days. Days when your sadness and anger get the better of you. It's normal, I hear. It's okay. And hopefully, one of these years, I'll be celebrating being a mother along with everyone else. We'll see.

Maybe next year.